MOJO CITY, March 3, 2002 -

"Jesus on Two Tortillas Shrine"
Opens to Unexpected Controversy.

Local rancher Riley Collins' opening of the "Jesus on Two Tortillas Shrine" was met with an incredible town-fury on Wednesday.

Not only did thirteen protesters of various religious persuasion hurl their multi-hued rainbow-color painted bodies against the institution's exterior walls, slam-dancing their still-paint-wet bodies into the stucco, making the wall look like a madman's attempt at organization, the institution had to contend with the local vocal protestant challenge to Catholic authority in regards to the church's denial of the miraculous state of the tortillas.

"What right does the Catholic church have to say that our tortillas are not blessed?" said Hiram Vasquez, local hardware store owner. "The Church comes in here and declares that this cannot be a miracle? Screw them … we're protestants. And frankly, we protestants haven't had enough in the way of miracles lately. Can you name one? One? Just one? Freaking Catholics get all the miracles. Protestants? Why the hell don't we get miracles? But now, we've got our tortillas."

"Frankly," said Riley Collins, "the Catholic church seems kind of ticked off that both of the tortillas have the same image on them. Careful examination shows they're actually baked into the tortilla, and could not have been placed on the top surface by any ordinary means. But what's really got 'em running is that both tortillas have the same identical image on them."

The problem, Riley?

"It sort of suggests divine intervention, doesn't it? Perfect images. Identical. Baked in by two different tortilla-making plants. Logic says you've got to appeal to a deliberate God as the source for that kind of action. God said, let there be two identical images on two different tortillas made by two different tortilla companies. You know? Can't happen by chance."

The police were calling for reinforcements when this report was filed.

In what the rational mind can only consider a bizarre postmodern irony of some sort, God has gifted Riley Collins with a tortilla with the image of Jesus on it. And then gifted him again. Two tortillas with the Jesus image. Riley is rescinding his offer to sell the first tortilla, and is starting a shrine.

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