Fell Tyler in Hospital
MOJO CITY, Dec. 29, 2000 - Psychic consultant, Fell Tyler, 24, 789 Second St., remains in hospital where she was taken yesterday after a reappearance in this world and a subsequent fall from a tree.
"For having been caught up in a rip in the space-time continuum, Fell is doing remarkably well," said hospital spokeswoman Marti Ballinger. "There is no truth to the matter that she was a victim of Spontaneous Human Combustion. We've carefully examined her and found no evidence of burns. However, we are feeling comfortable with the space-time rip analysis of the situation since it does appear that she was torn apart at the molecular level and reassembled somehow in the tree in Slightlybent Park, and there is no evidence to the contrary."
Professor Crafton Mites, 43, doctor of philosophy in Astrodynamics at Kill University, has also examined Tyler and concurs with the space-time rip diagnosis. "Who was it, Sherlock Holmes who said something like - after you've ruled out all the possible explanations, the impossible must be true? We certainly cannot explain either her disappearance or reappearance in terms of the realm of the possible. We must look to the impossible."
Fell Tyler's hospital slippers. They were new when she was given them, but on discovery of the improper molecular reconfiguration of her body, the slippers have received heavy use.
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Fell's physician, Dr. William Parkins, 51, provided evidence for the diagnosis. "We have two issues we can point to as highly suggestive of Tyler's trip into the impossible … a rip in the space-time continuum. First, her disappearance. I was there. Saw it. It was no magician's trick. One minute she's there, the next, she's gone.
Parkins was pressed for further proof. He was hesitant to give it, but when The Mojo City News was able to get him alone, this is what we heard.
"The other thing," said Parkins, "the other thing is that she was not completely reassembled properly. She seems to now have a second G-spot at the end of her big toe. She's also incredibly sensitive to being touched there. Watching her walk about a room in hospital slippers with the end of that big toe hitting the enclosure of the slippers … oh, my. The poor girl can hardly stand up. Frankly, sometimes she can't."
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